Answering Frequently Asked Questions About Asexuality

Since I answered Google's most frequently searched-for questions about atheism, I thought I'd also answer questions about the other "a-" in my life—asexuality. We are a little-known and poorly-understood group, and I hope some of my answers below can clear up any preconceptions that people may have about us. If you have any additional questions, feel free to ask in the comments!

What do asexuals wear?
We wear the same things as everyone else! There is no dress code for aces, although many of us wear an ace ring—a black ring on the right middle-finger, a little-known symbol of asexual pride.

Can asexuals drive in Russia?
Technically, no. Because Russia passed a law in 2015 which banned anyone with "disorders of sexual preference" from obtaining driver's licenses. For whatever reason, Russia has apparently determined that who you love and how you love affects your ability to drive. The law is as mean-spirited as it is idiotic, and it's an embarrassment to Russia.

Can asexuals have sex?
Yes! It seems counter-intuitive, but remember that asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not necessarily a lack of sexual activity. While many aces are "sex-repulsed," others are "sex-neutral" or "sex-favorable," and may partake in sex for a variety of reasons, such as pleasing a non-asexual ("allosexual") partner, or having children.

Can asexuality be caused by trauma?
Sex-repulsion can be the result of past trauma, and a sex-repulsed individual may identify as asexual, but past experiences do not make that individual's sexual identity any less valid. Asexuality describes a state of affairs—a lack of sexual attraction. Generally, there is no "cause." Sometimes, there is. But causation isn't relevant to the reality of being asexual. Moreover, sexual identity can change over time, and that is fine. If an individual no longer feels that the "asexual" label applies to them, they needn't use it. But it is there for those who need it, regardless of why.

What do asexuals fantasize about?
I posed this question to an asexual support group on Facebook, and most people answered that they fantasize about ideal relationships, not sex.

What do asexuals do in relationships?
We do the same things that anyone else does in a relationship, without necessarily having sex—we support and confide in each other, spend meaningful time together, and be intimate with one another. There are many forms of intimacy that aren't sexual. The question "what do asexuals do in relationships?" implies that relationships are only about sex, when, in fact, a healthy relationship is about so much more. We want more from relationships than just sex.

What do asexuals feel?
Asexuals feel the same need to be loved and desired as any other human being, just not necessarily in a sexual way. We want to be valued as people, not merely as sexual objects. And, of course, we feel the same range of emotions as anyone else. We aren't amoebas.

What do asexuals want?
I posed this question, also, to an asexual support group on Facebook, and the most frequent response was a meaningful relationship. And financial security. And sometimes cake.

Why do asexuals like cake?
It's an inside joke among aces that "cake is better than sex," and for this reason, cake is sometimes associated with asexuality.

How do asexuals date?
It's important for us to communicate our asexuality to a potential partner early on, because, unfortunately, for most non-asexual ("allosexual") people, dating an asexual simply isn't an option. But because it can be awkward and tiresome to communicate one's sexual identity on every first date, many of us favor online dating, especially websites or apps that let us identify as asexual in our profiles. And, realistically speaking, there are very few of us, so the ability to connect with other aces over long distances is helpful.

How do asexuals fall in love?
Some asexuals are "aromantic," meaning they don't experience romantic or sexual attraction. But I personally am the proverbial hopeless romantic, and I've fallen in love the same way as anyone else has. Love is about more than just sex. You love a person for who they are, not just for their body.

Are asexuals queer?
Aces may "pass as straight," as bisexuals may also, but we aren't heterosexual because we aren't sexually attracted to the opposite sex—or to any sex. Moreover, many of us are romantically-attracted to the same gender ("homoromantic") or to both or all genders ("biromantic" or "panromantic"), in which case, we have the same experience of navigating non-heteronormative relationships that other LGBT folks do. We have other experiences in common, too; such as struggling with our sexual identity and "coming out" to potentially judgmental family and friends. So yes, we are queer, if we choose to so identify (not all of us do—it's a personal choice).

Are asexuals bi?
"Bisexual"? No. But as mentioned above, many of us are "biromantic," meaning we're romantically-attracted to two genders. Such aces may sometimes identify as "bi."

Are asexuals in the LGBTQ?
Yes, if they choose to be. The full acronym is "LGBTQIA+", the "A" standing for "asexual" (not "ally"). Aces have much in common with the LGBTQ community (see "Are asexuals queer?" above). And there is sometimes overlap; for instance, a transgender person can be ace, or an ace person can be homoromantic, etc. While "gatekeepers" do exist (that is, other LGBTQ folks who seek to exclude asexuals), we are generally accepted as part of the LGBTQ community.

Are asexuals smarter?
I don't think there's any empirical evidence that aces are smarter, no. It's an amusing question, though. But perhaps a case could be made that we're more introspective? Because we've had to ask ourselves questions about our sexuality in order to conclude that we're ace. That takes a degree of emotional intelligence, I would think. Just a thought.